Four Goodness' Snakes
by LovelessNobodyXIII
Summary: After suffering a major defeat and losing contact with his son, the last thing Solid Snake wanted was for his father to show up at his door. See what sorts of things unfold in this Snake family adventure!
1. EP 1: FATHER FEAR SOLID

FOuR GOODNESS' SnAKEs

EPISODE I: FATHER FEAR SOLID

Written by Christopher Rangel

"Hello", said Liquid Snake, sitting on a chair in an empty room. "Before we get started, I'd like to do a bit of a public service announcement. Every day across America, millions of people are bullied, called terrible names and picked on and shit. If you see any of that shit, you'd better let someone know about it, or I'm gonna fuckin' shank you or something. And if you're one of the people bullying, watch your back, 'cause I'm gonna fucking shank you or something as well. So remember, be good and remember that your words have consequences. Do your best to be good! Now, with that out of the way, go ahead and enjoy the show!

(Four Goodness' Snakes was filmed in front of a live studio audience)

WINCHESTER, NEVADA

Liquid Snake is in the living room, knitting a scarf, when all of a sudden Solid Snake bursts in. He is panting really heavily, his face is scratched up, and there are some tears on his combat suit.

"Brother!" shouted Liquid (audience applause). Solid Snake looked up and waved his hand.

"Liquid", said Solid Snake.

"How did everything go in Las Vegas?" asked Liquid.

"Pretty shit", said Solid Snake. "The Death Emperor got away, and a skyscraper fell on a bunch of babies (audience laughter).

"Oh dear", said Liquid Snake. "Well, I've made some baby pancakes if you want to eat away your sorrows. They are on the stove!"

"Thanks bro", said Solid Snake, and he went to the stove and grabbed the plate of small pancakes. He came back, sticking one in his mouth. "So what's new around here?"

"Well, father is coming over tomorrow", said Liquid Snake.

"Big Boss?!" said Solid Snake.

"That's right", said Liquid Snake. "And Solidus is coming over as well. It was father's idea; he wants us all to celebrate Solidus's success in becoming the President of a porn company!" (See ONE FIST MAN)

"Shit", said Solid Snake. "I wish I could have had some preparation. I'm not ready to see father yet."

"Well, if its any consolation, he won't be entirely able to see you anyways", said Liquid Snake. "One eye and all" (audience laughter).

"That's not really that comforting", said Solid Snake. "Also... am I the only one hearing that laughter?"

"Laughter?"

"Yeah. Like, it sounds like a studio audience or something, like in one of those shitty sitcoms that you enjoy watching."

"Brother", said Liquid, "You're talking crazy right now. Get some Spongecum in your brain or something?" (See WINTER LEAVES LIKE A SON IN A PARADE) (audience laughter)

"There it is again", said Solid Snake (audience laughter). "Eh, whatever."

"Come, sit down", said Liquid Snake. "We've got sitcoms to watch!"

"Alright", said Solid Snake.

THE NEXT DAY

Liquid Snake poured hot coffee into a coffee cup with a picture of a golden lotus on it, and the word "Lotus" written in fancy cursive beneath that (see RUGRATS: CRUSADE OF THE CRIMSON ROSEBUSH). Solid Snake entered the living room with a yawn.

"Are they here yet?" asked Solid Snake.

"Not yet", said Liquid, and then there was a knock on the door. "Oh shit, I guess they're here now! I'll get the door." Liquid Snake opened the door and then into the room stepped Big Boss.

"Evening, sport", said Big Boss, shaking Liquid's hand. He then turned to Solid Snake. "Well, look who's child losing pussy ass decided to show up!" Solid Snake scowled and left the room.

"Take it easy on him, father", said Liquid Snake, "Its been hard on him since Gregory Stapleton... went his own way. You know what its like to watch your children grow apart from you."

Big Boss grunted. "When's the man of honor showing up?"

"He should be here soon", said Liquid Snake. There was a knocking at the door. "Actually, I think he's here now!" He went to open the door and then Solidus Snake stepped into the living room.

"Brother!" shouted Liquid Snake (audience laughter).

"Brother!" shouted Solidus Snake (more audience laughter), and the two brothers engaged in a manly hug. Then Solidus shook Big Boss's hand.

"Where's Solid?", asked Solidus, "I was hoping he'd be here."

"He's here somewhere", said Big Boss. "Probably went to his room to cry, pussy piece of shit that he is."

"Father, you shouldn't say that sort of thing", said Liquid.

"Not my fault that he's a fucking faggot", said Big Boss (audience gasp; also Solidus and Liquid)

"Fuck you, dad!" said Solid Snake, poking his head through a door to the left.

"Hey, you can just keep fucking yourself, bitch!" (audience laughter)

"STOP LAUGHING!" shouted Solid Snake. "THIS ISN'T FUNNY! THIS IS JUST FUCKING OFFENSIVE!" (laughter intensifies) Solid Snake screamed and closed the door; the sound of crying can be heard in the living room.

"See what you do to him?" said Liquid Snake.

"He does it to himself", said Big Boss, taking out and lighting a cigar. "If he doesn't man up, someone's gonna stab him in the back someday." An uncomfortable silence fell over the room; the unique sort of uncomfortable silence that only happens when a politically incorrect older relative says something really offensive. For example, what literally just happened.

"So, we just gonna stand around here with our thumbs up our asses?" asked Big Boss. "I thought we were gonna fucking party!"

"Uh, right", said Liquid Snake. He went over to the CD player and hit Play, and the hit song "Get Schwifty" by Rick and Morty Sanchez started playing. Big Boss started dancing like crazy, but Liquid and Solidus stood right next to each other. Liquid whispered something in Solidus's ear. Solidus nodded and went through the door that Solid Snake disappeared behind.

"Yo, muh boy Solid!" said Solidus. "Holy shit!" Solidus noticed that Solid Snake seemed to be tying a noose. Solid looked up, then sighed, rolled his eyes, and put the half-tied noose down.

"What is it?" asked Solid Snake, "I'm busy here!" Solidus sat on the bed next next to Solid Snake.

"Hey man, what's up?" asked Solidus.

"Nothing", said Solid Snake. "Go away."

"What's that?" asked Solidus, pointing to the rope.

"Its a fuckin' noose", said Solid Snake. "I'mma hang myself in a little bit." Solidus sighed, a tear forming in his eye. He took the rope away from solid and untied the unfinished noose.

"Dude!" said Solid in protest. Solidus looked Solid Snake in the eye.

"Live", said Solidus. "Just... live. You can keep living, words are only words. And you know father; he was born in a different era from us. He can't help the things he says; he doesn't see anything wrong with them. And besides, how often do you see him, anyways?"

"Not often", said Solid Snake.

"See!" said Solidus. "So, what's the point of killing yourself over something unkind that someone you rarely see said."

"Because..." said Solid Snake, "Because its not just today. He's the reason I was a bad father! If he had been kinder to me, to all of us, then maybe Greg wouldn't have gone down the road he went down. Maybe... we could still be family" (audience "ah"s). Solid Snake wiped a tear from his eye. He looked where the camera was (not knowing there was a camera there) and nodded in approval of the audience's reaction.

"Father made mistakes", said Solidus, "But that doesn't mean that you can't do right yourself. Find Gregory Stapleton. Tell him that you love him, that you never forgot that he's your son. I know that he'll forgive you, and perhaps he'll even turn over a new leaf!"

Solid Snake stopped crying, then nodded. "You're right", he said. "I've got to do right. I've got to find Greg. But first, there's something else I got to do." Solid Snake got up and left his bedroom. Solidus nodded in satisfaction and followed him out of the room.

"Well look who's pussy ass decided to show up again!" laughed Big Boss. He was still dancing to "Get Schwifty". Apparently, it was just playing on loop.

"Look, dad", said Solid Snake. Big Boss raised an eyebrow and stopped dancing. "You're an asshole. I don't know why you're an asshole, but you really are, and you were a shitty father as well. You mock me for being a bad parent to Gregory Stapleton, but the entire reason I was a bad parent is because you're the only father figure I've ever had, and you fucking sucked. But its not too late for you. I mean, I'm going to find my son and make up with him. Now, if you'd like to do the same, all three of YOUR sons are right here. If you want to make up with us, do it now or forever hold your peace" (audience applause)

Big Boss was shocked and silent. Then he held out his hand. Solid Snake nodded with a relieved smile, then reached out to shake his hand. As the hands made contact, Big Boss pulled Solid Snake into a hug, then put his face between his neck and shoulder and started to cry.

"I'm so insecure!" sobbed Big Boss. "God, Jesus! I'm so fucking insecure! I'm so sorry that I fucked over all of your childhoods. Its just... the world sees me as the perfect soldier, and I just wanted to see that you guys ended up just like me. I should have just let you all be whoever you wanted to be. I'm so, so sorry!"

"Its alright, dad", said Solid Snake, and he returned the hug (audience "aw"s). Liquid and Solidus smiled at each other, and then joined in on the hug.

"I'll help you find your son", said Big Boss.

"We all will", said Liquid.

"Oh, for goodness' sake, guys", said Solid Snake with tears in his eyes.

"I think you mean... Four Goodness' Snakes", said Liquid Snake. They all laughed.

TO BE CONTINUED

Liquid Snake is sitting in that empty room again. "Wasn't that a good time?! Do you see the effect that words can have now, good and bad?! Well, just in case you didn't, pay close attention to the scene where my brother Solid is confronting my father, Big Boss. If you look closely at my right hand, you'll see that I had my knife ready in case father refused to do right. So remember, if you're gonna bully someone, prepare to get shanked by your's truly! Have a great day, and remember to be kind!"


	2. EP 2: NUNS OF LIBERTY

FOuR GOODNESS' SnAKEs

EPISODE II: NUNS OF LIBERTY

Written by Christopher Rangel

"Hello", said Liquid Snake, sitting on a chair in an empty room. "Its me again, your favorite Snake boi, Liquid Snake! Time for another fuckin' episode of Four Goodness' Snakes, ma boys. This one is gonna be a good one, dealing all with forbidden love that cannot be and shit. Are you ready? Ready to FUCK!? Aw yeah, here we go again. Buckle ya seatbelts ma bois, here we go! Another fuckin' episode! Whooo!"

(Four Goodness' Snakes was filmed in front of a live audience)

VATICAN CITY

The search for Gregory Stapleton brought the Snake Bois to Vatican City. They were enjoying a light coffee and lunch in one of the Pope's own cafes. It was a very good evening to be doing that shit.

"This is the life", said Big Boss as he lit his cigar inside of his coffee and took a puff.

"Indeed", said Liquid Snake, taking a bite of his croissant.

"We gotta be sure that Gregory isn't here to kill the pope", said Solid Snake. "Anyone see him?"

"I don't see Gregory Stapleton", said Solidus Snake, "But I will tell you what I do see!" He pointed to the street to a group of four supremely attractive nuns.

"Holy shit", said Big Boss. "Look at the titties on those nuns!"

"Aw yeah!" said Liquid Snake. Solidus Snake was trying really hard to conceal his boner, then he decided fuck it and unzipped his pants, like, not revealing his schlong, but his underwear was sticking out with a mountain beneath if ya get what I mean.

"If you can't find Gregory Stapleton", began Big Boss, "You can always make another one!" (Audience laughter).

"I thought you had changed, dad", said Solid Snake.

"Hey, I'm still the same old Big Boss. Always have been, always will be", said Big Boss, taking a twenty second long puff on his cigar. They all looked back at the nuns. They had stopped outside of the Pope's mansion and seemed to be having a serious discussion. Solid Snake was the first to get up.

"Excuse me ladies", said Solid Snake. "Do you want to know why they call me Solid Snake?"

"Not interested", said one of the nuns, and then she ignored him.

Liquid Snake got up next. "Excuse me ladies", said Liquid Snake. "Might I be able to interest you in a serving of my special patented Liquid Snake?"

"No thanks", said another one of the nuns, and then she ignored him. Then it was Solidus Snake's turn to get up.

"Excuse me ladies", said Solidus Snake. "I may be Solidus, but I want to Solid-YOU with a date!"

"Nah", said another one of the nuns, and then she ignored him. Finally, it was Big Boss's turn to get up.

"Excuse me ladies", said Big Boss. "I'mma fuck you in the ass now, if that's all right. All of you!"

The last nun slapped Big Boss in the face, then they all left.

"What did we do wrong?" asked Solid Snake.

"Don't fret too much on it brother", said Liquid Snake. "They don't know what they're missing out on, turning down big ol' Snakes like us!"

"Got that right!" said Solidus. Big Boss nodded and took another puff of his cigar.

"I'm sure we're still on their minds", said Big Boss. "Next time they see us, they're gonna take off their nun dresses and let us right into those fine-ass Catholic booties!" (Audience laughter)

"Damn straight!" said Solid Snake, lighting a cigarette. Then they clinked their cigar and cigarette together in a toast and smoked the shit outta them.

THAT NIGHT

The four snakes were in their hotel room, which had four entire beds in it. Then all of a sudden Pope Francis came in.

"Pope Francis!" said Big Boss.

"Yes, that is me!" said Pope Francis. "And I have come here to formally tell you to stop sexually harassing my nuns!"

"Whaaaaaat?" said Big Boss. "No one ain't sexually harassing no nuns here! We were just letting them know that, if they wanted some Solid Snake, we were willing to put some of that into their cooters."

"Yo, my name is Solid Snake!" said Solid Snake.

"Yeah dude!" said Big Boss, and they high fived (audience laughter). "That's mah fuckin' boi!"

"May you all burn in fucking hell", said Pope Francis, and he left the room.

"Pope Francis?" said Solidus Snake. "More like Pope Pantses, 'cause I bet he never takes off his pants to put his penis inside of either a female or a male!" (Audience laughter)

All of the Snakes said "LOL" and then went to bed.

THE NEXT DAY

The next morning the Snakes were back at that cafe, which they noticed now was called "The Pope's Liverspot", trying to figure out what to do next.

"I know we're having a great time here at Vaticanland, but we really have to figure out where Gregory Stapleton is!"

"So you know of his true name?" said a voice a couple tables away. They all looked in the direction of the voice. It was Baron Zeppeli! (Audience applause) "Hello, my name is Baron Zeppeli. So, you're looking for the Villain, then?"

"Yes", said Liquid Snake. "One might say that he is his father." he pointed to Solid Snake.

"Really?" said Baron Zeppeli. "That is... fascinating. You shot THE Gregory Stapleton out of your dick and into his mother's pussy?" (audience laughter)

"Yes, that is how the sex works", said Solid Snake. (audience laughter) Solid Snake's eye twitched in response to the applause, but decided not to say anything about it. All he could do was chuckle. Solidus noticed this and raised an eyebrow, but decided not to say anything about it. Big Boss was keeping an eye out for the nuns, and Liquid Snake wore an unwaveringly ecstatic grin.

"Hold up, guys, here they come!" said Big Boss.

"More like 'here they cum', amiright?" said Solidus Snake (audience laughter).

"I thought we were discussing the location of the villain?" said Baron Zeppeli.

"Yeah, yeah, hold on a minute, dude", said Liquid Snake, and they all watched the nuns as they came down the road.

"Oh, I get it now", said Baron Zeppeli. "I'm fuckin' done with you guys. Fuck you all. Have fun getting your nun-poon, I ain't helpin' y'all anymore. Priorities, dudes. Fuckin' priorities!"

"No, come back", said Solid Snake, and then he walked towards the nuns.

"Hey", said one of the nuns. "Didn't Papa Francis tell you to leave us alone?" That was when Big Boss got up and grabbed the speaking nun. (Audience gasp)

"WHOA!" said the other three Snakes. Liquid and Solidus got up and helped Solid Snake pry Big Boss off of the nun.

"Stop, dudes", said Big Boss. "I need the sex!"

"You can't get sex that way, it is not right!" said Solidus Snake.

"You are right", said Big Boss. "If I want to have sex, I gotta do it the right way, with talking to the girls and trying to get to know them, and not by forcing myself onto them because that's illegal." (audience

"Yeah", said Liquid Snake. "Rape is Wrong (tm), and I always shank rapists."

"I'm terribly sorry", Big Boss said to the nun. "Is there any way you can forgive me?"

"Yes, we forgive you", said the nuns. "We are Catholics, and Catholics are all about forgiveness and shit."

"If I can just ask", said Solid Snake, "how come you all rejected us? Are we all ugly? Do we smell bad?"

"You carry the stench of the False God upon you. It offends our senses", said one of the nuns.

"False... God?" said Liquid Snake.

"Yes", said the second nun. "The boy who calls himself Christopher Rangel."

"He is no God", said the third nun. "The only true God is the one that fathered our lord and savior, JESUS CHRIST, the man who put the Christ in Christmas!"

"That's fuckin' propaganda, dawg", said Solid Snake. "Everyone knows that Christopher Rangel is the boy that put the Christ in Christmas."

Nun number four stared long and hard at Liquid Snake. "You", she said. "You are the one that summoned the False God into this world." The nuns drew knives from their nun-gowns.

"What, me?" said Liquid Snake, and then he drew his pistol and shot the nearest nun in the chest.

"FUCK YOU!" shouted the other three nuns, and then they converged upon the Snake Bois. The other three Snakes drew their guns and fired at the nuns, but not before one of them managed to stab Big Boss in the shoulder.

"Shit!" said Big Boss, clutching his wound. Just then an army of nuns poured out from every building in the Vatican to avenge their four fallen sisters.

"We gotta get the fuck outta here!" said Solid Snake.

"How?!" said Solidus Snake. "There are so many of them!" Solid Snake pulled four cardboard boxes out of his ass, and then they snuck their way out of the Vatican, completely undetected by the billions of nuns that had come out to kill them, as well as the Pope who was flying in his signature DEATHPOPE AIRMACHINE.

OUTSIDE VATICANLAND

"That's my fuckin' boy!" said Big Boss. "Chip off the ol' fuckin' block."

"Four Goodness' Snakes, dad!" laughed Solid Snake. (Audience laughter)

"Father, you're still bleeding", said Solidus.

"Don't worry about it", said Big Boss. "I've seen worse."

"We have to find Baron Zeppeli", said Solid Snake. "He seems to know something about Gregory Stapleton."

"We really let our priorities slip", said Liquid Snake. "Hopefully he can find it within himself to forgive us."

"If he doesn't, he'll find a big ol' Snakefist in his mouth"(Audience applause) "Hey, by the way Liquid, what did she mean by saying you brought The Godchris into this world?"

"She was full of shit", said Liquid.

TO BE CONTINUED

Liquid Snake is back in the empty room, sitting on his chair. "Oh man, bet you didn't expect to see smoking hot fucking nuns this episode, now did you? Imagine what would have happened with that army under different circumstances! BIGGEST. ORGY. EVER. Too bad that was not to be. And never forget: Rape is Wrong (TM). If you're gonna rape, you're gonna get shanked by yours truly, so don't be a rapist. Take a closer look at the part where my father, Big Boss, grabs one of the nuns. I had my knife ready to shank, much like when Solid Snake confronted father. So remember, don't be a creeper. Anyways, I'll see you on the next episode of Four Goodness' Snakes!"


	3. EP 3: CAKE EATER

FOuR GOODNESS' SnAKES

EPISODE III: CAKE EATER

Written by Christopher Rangel

"Hello", said Liquid Snake, sitting on a chair in an empty room. "I see that you've come back for me. I can practically feel your penis throbbing in anticipation to find out what happens next with me and my family. Or maybe it is your vagina. It is hard to tell!" he laughed. "Anyways, let's find out what Italian Shenanigans (TM) await the Snakebois this time!

(Four' Goodness Snakes was filmed in front of a live studio audience)

VENICE

The Snakebois sat at a table outside of a diner. There was no food in front of any of them.

"I need FUCKING food!" complained Liquid Snake.

"Ha!" said Big Boss. "You're already hungry?! In the jungles of Russia..."

"You hunted your food, dad!" interrupted Solidus. "You didn't fucking starve!"

"Shut the fuck up!" said Big Boss. "The point that I'm trying to make here is that y'all are a bunch of pussies! I'm not even hungry yet!" Someone passed by with a plate of spaghetti and-a meatball. Big Boss's stomach growled. "I'm not... hungry at all..."

"We gotta fucking find something to eat", said Solid Snake. "And I'm not talking about pussy."

"Ha!" said Solidus. "No you are not!"

"But we're fucking broke!" said Liquid. Solid Snake gave Liquid a sly look.

"I have heard legends of something... fortunate", said Solid Snake. "Have you ever heard of something called... free samples?"

Everyone at the table gasped. "What the fuck is a free sample?" asked Big Boss.

"Its when a store or a restaurant just gives a little bit of food for prospective customers to try out, so maybe if they like them they will actually buy something."

"Holy shit", said Solidus. "That just might be the type of crazy that we need in order to survive. But where might we find one of these 'Free Samples'?"

"We won't find them sitting here", said Solid Snake, standing up. "Get up, you lazy fucks!"

"Right!" said Big Boss. The rest of the Snake Bois stood up, and together they started wandering the streets of Venice in search of free samples. They entered many restaurants to inquire if this was a service they provided.

"Nope", said the owner of one establishment.

"Nuh-uh", said the owner of another.

"Fuck you", said another owner.

"Fuck my asshole!" said Liquid Snake. "We'll never find any free samples around here!" Just then, Solidus Snake fell to the ground in hunger.

"No..." said Snake. "We must find something to eat. I need the strength... to find my son Gregory Stapleton from Winchester Nevada."

"Wait, what's that?" said Big Boss, pointing a finger. They all followed the finger and saw a giant sign saying "MAMA GLADOS'S HOUSE OF CAKE: TRY A FREE SAMPLE!"

"YES!" said Solid Snake. He kicked Solidus in the side. "Get up, you cunt! We're so close to the free samples!"

"Go on without me!" said Solidus. "I am... too weak..."

"Shit..." said Solid Snake. "Liquid! Help me carry Solidus!"

"Right!" said Liquid. Solid Snake helped Solidus to his feet, then supported him from one shoulder. Liquid took his other shoulder, and Big Boss watched from the rear. Slowly, they made their way to Mama Glados's House of Cake. Big Boss held the door open to allow the rest of the Snake Bois in.

"HeLLO", said the robotic receptionist. "How mAy I HElp yOU todAy?"

"We need some fucking free samples, fast!" demanded Solid Snake. "He's dying!"

"HoLy FUck!" said the guy. "TakE a sEAT aT A TaBLE, wE wILL bRIng the SamPLe ImmeDIatelY!" and so they took a seat. Solidus was still on the verge of passing out.

"Hang in there, buddy", said Solid Snake. "The sample is coming shortly."

In a little while a waitress came out bearing the sample. It was GLaDOS herself, and the sample was an entire dark chocolate and raspberry cake!

"Holy fuck!" said Big Boss.

"HErE is the CaKE!" said GLaDOS. "I hOPe I dID not kEEp you wAIting tOo LONg!"

"No sirree!" said Solid Snake. He frantically cut a piece of the cake, put it on the plate, and put it in front of Solidus Snake. "Eat up, bro!" But Solidus only drooled and stared absent-mindedly in the distance. "C'mon", said Solid Snake. "BRO!"

"Was... WAs i ToO LatE?" asked GLaDOS.

"Fuck!" said Solid Snake. He grabbed Solidus Sanke by the back of the head and smashed his face into the cake, then smeared his face all across the plate. "C'mon, bro!" said Solid, "Fucking eat up!" When all seemed lost, Solid released his hand from Solidus's head. Everyone looked down in silence, but in that silence there was a quiet sound. The sound of chewing, followed by the sound of swallowing! Everyone gasped as Solidus Snake lifted his head from the plate. At first it was tired and solemn, then it slowly transformed into a wide, toothy grin, and he stuck his thumb out. Everyone in the restaurant applauded (Audience applause).

"ThANk GoOdnesS!" said GLaDOS. "WE WeRE aLL WorRieD we Had lOst yoU!"

"Not just yet!" laughed Solidus.

"Thank you so much!" said Solid Snake.

"NO ProBLem!" said GLaDOS. "YOu BOis aRe AlLowed all tHe CaKE yOU wAnT, sO EaT up!"

"Really?!" said Big Boss.

"ReAlLY!" said GLaDOS. "THe FrEE saMpLES heRE aRE EnDLEss, BuT MAKe SuRE You soMEtimes pAY or WE WiLL go BROke and nO MorE frEE SampLES or QuALITY CakE".

"Right", said Solid Snake. "We swear that we shall pay someday!"

"NiCE", said GLaDOS, and so began the feast.

The Snakebois tore through the first cake, then ordered a second and tore through that as well. Before long they were on the sixth cake, and the Snakes Solid, Liquid, and Solidus were starting to tire out.

"I'm stuffed", said Solid Snake (Audience laughter). Snake grimaced, hearing the laughter. Liquid and Solidus nodded and put down their forks. Big Boss lowered his fork from his mouth, a piece of cake still on it, and looked at his clones with disgust.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" said Big Boss. "We spend all this time looking for free samples, and now that we've found them you all just pussy out on cake six?! Come the fuck on!"

"Look, father, you can keep eating if you want", said Solidus Snake, "but the rest of us are done."

"I can't believe you especially", Big Boss said to Solidus. Big Boss wiped some blood from the wound inflicted to him by the nun which he never treated. "You were on the brink of death a little while ago, and now you just want to stop eating?!"

"Yeah", said Solidus Snake.

"Fuck you", said Big Boss, and he angrily ate the rest of the cake, and then angrily ate ten more cakes all by himself. By that point, Big Boss was looking really attractive to anyone with an inflation fetish, and he was starting to eat slower.

"Jesus", said Big Boss. "I think I went a little too hard!"

"You think?!" said Liquid Snake (audience laughter). Solid Snake was about to stand up when he saw Baron Zeppeli approach the table.

"Friends!" said Baron Zeppeli. "Mind if I take a seat here?"

"Sure", Solidus said oddly, caught off guard. Baron Zeppeli took a seat at the table and looked around.

"What are you..." began Liquid Snake.

"Not another word..." interrupted Baron Zeppeli. "...out loud, anyways." He took out a pen, wrote on his napkin, and passed it to Solid Snake.

"This place is a trap!" it said on teh napkin. An exclamation mark appeared over Solid Snake's head (audience laughter), and Snake started looking around. The other customers sat happily eating their cakes, but the robotic employees all seemed to be watching over them with deathly stares. One of the robots locked eyes with Solid Snake, who quickly looked back to the Baron.

"That cake looks rather good", said Baron Zeppeli, acting casually.

"It is", said Big Boss as he shoved another bite into his mouth. Baron Zeppeli took a piece for himself and started eating it.

"Rather generous, don't you think..." began Baron Zeppeli, "Infinite free samples composed of entire cakes."

"People pay for the cake sometimes", said Solidus Snake.

"Do they?" asked Baron Zeppeli. Solidus Snake looked around. Not a single person had their wallet at the ready. The Baron continued, saying "When there's the option to take something for free, how often will anyone choose to pay?" Liquid Snake nodded at that.

"But then, what would machines need with money, anyways?" Liquid pondered.

"Exactly", said Baron Zeppeli. Solid Snake passed the napkin around, so that everyone was on the exact same page.

"Solid Snake", said Baron Zeppeli, "Are you in the mood for any T.E.A.?"

Solid Snake laughed. "I'm always in the mood for some T.E.A.", he said, knowing that Baron Zeppeli meant "Tactical Espionage Action". "But I think I need to pee."

"Of course", said Baron Zeppeli, shooing him away. Solid Snake got up and made his way to the bathroom.

The men's restroom was empty. On the ceiling, Solid Snake saw an air vent. He managed to remove the cover and climb inside. He crawled forward, then looked down into the through the next vent. He saw GLaDOS speaking to a shadowy face on a computer screen.

"Make sure that nobody leaves", said the mysterious figure.

"Of CoURSE" said GLaDOS. "WHo wOUlD WanT tO LeaVE wITH aLL thIS FReE FoOD ANyWayS?"

"Brilliant", said the shadowy figure. "Soon our new cybernetic soldiers shall flex our grip on the world. They shall be a force even stronger than the Skinwalkers of old!"

"I ShALL nOt LET You dOWn", said GLaDOS.

"I have no doubt", said the shadowy figure. "Hail Hydra!"

"HaiL HydRA!" repeated GLaDOS. The computer screen flickered off. Solid Snake smirked. He knew what he had to do. He crawled all around the air vents and placed the C4 that was in his inventory around strategic points within the restaurant, then returned to the Men's restroom. He fell out of the vent and into the naked lap of Baron Zeppeli.

"I've rigged this place to blow", said Solid Snake.

"Very good", said Baron Zeppeli. "Return to the table. Act like nothing is amiss."

"Got it", said Solid Snake. He removed his hand from Baron Zeppeli's phat Italian cock and stood up, then turned around. "Uh, so will you still help us find Gregory Stapleton?"

"If we make it out of this alive", said Baron Zeppeli. "Now go!"

Solid Snake returned to the table. Big Boss was still slowly eating cake. He really looked like he was about to explode. Liquid looked very pissed and impatient. Shortly afterwards Baron Zeppeli returned the table and smiled to all the Snakebois. At another one of the tables sat Filthy Frank, wearing a pair of sunglasses.

"Oh boy!" said Filthy Frank. "I am just excessively full right now! I think its about time to go!" He stood up and made for the door, only to be blocked by 2B and 9S, a couple of androids working at Mama GLaDOS's House of Cake, blocked the way.

"Return to your seat", said 2B.

"But... I want to go", said Filthy Frank.

"Just do it", said 9S. "Don't make a scene."

"Hey, what the FUCK is going on here?!" said Adam Sandler, sitting at another table.

"Yeah, let him leave!" said Princess Zelda.

"No oNe iS gOInG AnyWhERE", said GLaDOS, entering the dining area. "aLL of YoU hAVE bEEn lURed hERE bY yOUR GluttONY, anD Now, you ShALL bE ModIFIED". All of the machines in the building flooded into the dining area and started restraining the customers. The Snakebois and Baron Zeppeli looked at each other, then Solid Snake stood up and revealed the detonation switch for the C4.

"Sorry, machines", said Solid Snake, "But I'm afraid I have the upper hand here! I have rigged this entire restaurant with C4. If you won't let anyone leave here alive, as living beings, then I'll just topple the entire building on you as well. No one, neither man nor machine, shall leave her alive!"

"2B! 9S! GeT HIm!" shouted GLaDOS. The two androids drew their swords, but Liquid Snake and Solidus Snake also stood up, ready to fight.

"Wait, shit!" said Big Boss. He was having a lot of trouble getting out of his seat. Nonetheless, Liquid and Solidus were enough to make the androids stand back a little.

"YoU MAniAC", said GLaDOS. "YOu WOUlDn'T".

"Try me!" said Solid Snake, and with his free hand he drew his pistol and shot GLaDOS in the face. She deactivated with a few sparks. "EVERYONE!" yelled Solid Snake. "GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!" Everyone rushed for the exit. The Snakes shot any of the machines that had been restraining customers, so everyone was able to get up. 2B and 9S tried to hold back the torrent of people, but were overwhelmed by the crowd. Solid, Liquid, and Solidus made it outside a good distance and looked back. Big Boss, who was considerably slower due to being overstuffed with cake, was still relatively close to the House of Cake when Solid Snake detonated the C4. He had no choice, he could see that all the machines were about to be released into Venice and they had to be stopped. Big Boss was knocked forward onto the ground by the explosion, but the restaurant still collapsed to the ground with most of the machines inside. Solid Snake made note of the fact that 2B and 9S were nowhere to be found.

"Dammit, dad", said Solidus Snake. Liquid only scoffed.

"I'll make sure he's alright", said Solid Snake. He went to Big Boss.

"Boss!" said Solid Snake.

"Son", said Big Boss. "You did what you had to do. But shit, my back!"

"I'll help you up", said Solid Snake. Big Boss could barely walk, or even stay upright.

"I think something broke", said Big Boss.

"He definitely needs a wheelchair", said Solidus Snake. So they got him a wheelchair.

"I can't believe I need a wheelchair now", said Big Boss.

"If only you'd been a little faster", said Solid Snake.

"You'll live", said Baron Zeppeli.

"At least we took care of GLaDOS and those machines", said Liquid Snake.

"Hardly", said Baron Zeppeli.

"What do you mean?" asked Solid Snake.

"That was only one of GLaDOS's heads, and this was only one of her fronts", said Baron Zeppeli. "From the information I've gathered, she's like a..."

"HYDRA", interrupted Solid Snake. "And that's the organization she's connected to as well."

"Of course", said Baron Zeppeli. "It would be HYDRA that would develop a cybernetic hydra with which to strangle the world." (Audience gasp)

"Shit", said Solid Snake. "So that means we gotta take care of this, then." He looked at the sky. "I'm sorry, Gregory Stapleton. Wait up for me... just a little bit longer."

TO BE CONTINUED...

Liquid Snake is back in the empty room, sitting on his chair. "Well, wasn't that a great time! We definitely had our cake and ate it, too, ha ha! The thing is, my father Big Boss ate a little too much cake! I considered shanking him a few times, for being a glutton, but decided that that would be fucking gross, as he'd probably have popped like a balloon. But still, he got his comeuppance, as he had eaten so much that he was unable to escape the explosion in time and ended up permanently crippled and bound to a wheelchair! So remember, don't eat an excessively gluttonous amount of food, because if you do, either I will shank you or fate will find something even worse to do to you. Eat responsibly, my friends, and I'll see you on the next episode of Four Goodness' Snakes!"


	4. EP 4: BUNS OF THE PATRIOTS

FOuR GOODNESS' SnAKEs

EPISODE IV: BUNS OF THE PATRIOTS

Written by Christopher Rangel

"Hello", said Liquid Snake, sitting on a chair in an empty room. "I see that you've come back for a fourth serving of 'Four Goodness' Snakes'! Oh my, that is a lot of fours, isn't it. Like, at least four. Anyways, this episode is very special, especially if there are any sports fans in the audience tonight. I could spoil it... oh, but you'll just have to see it yourself! Ciao!"

(Four Goodness' Snakes was filmed in front of a live studio audience)

ROME

Baron Zeppeli and the Snakebois had been waiting in line at the Roman Colosseum for what felt like an eternity. Big Boss in particular was tapping his foot with anxious impatience.

"Why are you so keen on seeing this game anyways?" asked Liquid Snake.

"Have you ever seen Tom Brady's ass in those sports pants?" Big Boss asked hypothetically. "Its so good! And its not even a gay thing for me, that's just an objectively fine ass, and this is just too good of an opportunity to pass!" (Audience laughter)

"Dad, we know you swing both ways", said Solid Snake (Audience gasp). "Uncle Kaz told us about that time you guys got into a cardboard box together."

"Whaaaat?" said Big Boss. "Noooo, that never happened." (Audience laughter) The other Snakebois just rolled their eyes, deciding to humor Big Boss. He was going through kind of a bad time; He was still inflated by a million cakes, he was paralyzed and confined to a wheelchair, and he was still bleeding from where that nun had stopped him.

"Are you sure you don't want me to patch that up?" Solid Snake had asked.

"Nah", said Big Boss. "Its fine. For every drop of blood I lose, my marrow produces another. I want to keep it bleeding to represent the love I'll never have."

"That's kind of fucked up!" Solidus had said.

"Fuck you!" said Big Boss.

Anyways, back to the present. They had made it to the front of the line.

"Yes, hello", said the man behind the ticket counter.

"Hi, we'll have five tickets please", said Solid Snake.

"Yes, five tickets, here you go", said the man.

"Oh, and make sure one of the seats is wheelchair accessible!"

The man just looked at him blankly, then still handed the five tickets he was about to give. "Here are five fucking tickets. Figure out the wheelchair situation yourself. NEXT!"

"Fine, jeez", said Solid Snake, and they entered the Colosseum.

People had gathered from all around Europe to see this game. The New England Patriots, having been crowned Ultimate Football Team of the USA, made the pilgrimage to Rome to take on the Pope's own handpicked team of Football playing Angels, or the LUDENS A PILA PEDES ANGELI (LAPPA), in Latin. Their quarterback, Castiel (from Supernatural), was the last hope the world had to defeat the beast that was Tom Brady, but Tom Brady was not afraid.

"Alright, here we go", said Solid Snake. He carried Big Boss, with the help of Liquid and Solidus, to his seat in the middle of the row.

"Sorry, sorry", they said, as Big Boss's paralyzed legs kept hitting people in the face.

"Blame the fucking ticketman", said Big Boss. "Cunt couldn't bother to give us a handicap accessible seat." At that point, everyone in the audience had decided that they would lynch the ticketman after the game.

Finally, the Baron and the Snakebois had taken their seats. Solidus double took and looked at Baron Zeppeli.

"Wait, you came with us here?! But isn't this a major distraction?"

"If you were take a guess as to why I came along here, you would probably be correct", said Baron Zeppeli.

"What does that mean?" asked Solid Snake.

"He, too, wants to ogle Tom Brady's ass", said Big Boss. (Audience laughter)

"Well, I mean, yes", said Baron Zeppeli, "But there's more to it than that!"

"Suuuure", said Big Boss, and he lit a cigar with his underbelly sweat and took a puff.

Liquid Snake tapped Solid Snake on the shoulder. "Look who else is here", he said. Solid Snake looked to where Liquid indicated. It was the box, built where the Roman Emperor used to sit, and the seats were modeled to look like his throne. On the biggest, most grand seat sat...

"Pope Francis", said Solid Snake.

"What?" asked Solidus Snake.

"The Pope is here, guys", said Solid.

"Well, this should be fun", said Solidus.

"I don't give a fuck", said Big Boss. "Nothing will stop me from spending three hours watching Tom Brady's ass from medium quality seating!" (Audience laughter)

"He hasn't noticed us", said Liquid Snake. We should be fine."

"I hope so", said Solid Snake. He smoked some of his own cigarette.

The game was starting up now. The Patiots took to the field, and the Team LAPPA descended from the heavens.

"Here we fucking go!" said Big Boss. The two teams stood at the center of the field, and Tom Brady and Castiel stood face to face.

"You ready to do this?" asked Tom Brady.

"Of course", said Castiel. "But I want to make sure there aren't any shenanigans with deflated balls, so we'll be using our own."

"Alright", said Tom Brady. "So where is it? Where is your ball?"

"Right here", said Castiel. He smirked, then walked over to Hey Arnold and tore off his Football Head (tm) (audience gasp).

"Deflate this, motherfucker", said Castiel, tossing Hey Arnold's head to Tom Brady. Rob Gronkowski threw up, and Tom Brady was pissed.

"You just killed our linebacker!" Tom Brady growled.

"Then get a new one, cunt", said Castiel. "Let's play FUCKING ball!"

And with that, the game began. It was... indeed a football game. You know, people passed the ball, there were touchdowns and shit like that? Yeah, I think that's an apt description of a football game. Of course, there was more blood than usual since they were playing with Hey Arnold's head, but whatever. Same difference.

Anyways, as the game progressed, Solid Snake noticed that Baron Zeppeli was not focused on the game. He was looking around, as if trying to catch something that was escaping him.

"Hey, the sportsteam got some points", said Solid Snake.

"Great", said Baron Zeppeli, still on lookout. He whispered something to himself. Solid Snake decided to leave him alone and continued enjoying the game.

It was a fifth of the way through the fourth quarter, and Team LAPPA scored a touchdown, trying the game 42-42. Just as the receiver angel raised the Football Head into the air victoriously, the ground in the Colosseum started to shake, and beneath each of the angels the ground opened up, and glass cases emerged and contained them.

"Hey, what the fuck?" said Castiel, as well as most of the people in the audience.

"Shit", said Baron Zeppeli (audience laughter). "Shit shit shit! I wasn't fast enough, I wasn't perceptive enough!"

"What the fuck is going on, Zeppeli?" asked Solid Snake.

"Why don't you ask them?" asked Baron Zeppeli, pointing to the entrance to the Colosseum. There entered 2B and 9S, as well as one of the heads of GLaDOS. An infuriated Pope Francis stood up and ran down to the field.

"Good evening, Jorge", said 9S.

"That's Pope Francis to you, bitch", said Pope Francis. "What are you doing here? Why have you captured my angels?"

"ThEY TruLY aRe POwERful bEInGs", said GLaDOS. "IMAgiNE hOw mUCH MOrE poWERful theY CoULD bE InfUSED wItH tEChnoLOgy? PeRHaPS powERfuL eNOUgH tO kILL A gOD."

"They are meant to serve God, not kill God!" said Francis.

"WhicH gOD?" asked GLaDOS.

"What the fuck do you mean which God?" asked the Pope.

"ThE goDChRIS? YoUR gOD? ThE beAST? OnE oF thE noRSE gODs? LOki, pERhAPS? OR maYBe a supERsaiyAN gOD?"

"The Holy Father, the only God!" yelled Pope Francis.

"oH DeAR", said GLaDOS, "IS TheRE a MOnOPoly on AngELs? SuREly, iF wE wERe tO jUST tAKe a FEw anD intiGRatE thEm iNTO anOtHER reliGiOn, yOU WoulDN't mISS TheM."

"RELEASE THEM NOW!" roared Pope Francis. "Don't make me summon the DEATHPOPE AIRMACHINE!"

"Pity", said GLaDOS. "I wAs hoPING wE couLD WoRK thIS oUT. wELP, 2B, 9S, kILL hIM."

2B and 9S drew their swords and advanced on the Pope.

"We have to help!" said Solidus Snake.

"We've got bad blood with him, but still, you're right", said Solid Snake.

"Fine", said Liquid Snake, unenthused. But just as they stood up, 2B and 9S were tackled by Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski.

"YEAH!" yelled Big Boss. "YOU SHOW HIM, TOMMY BOI!"

"Are you going to help?" asked Liquid Snake.

"Oh, yeah, of course I am", said Big Boss. "I'll kick those androids to the curb with my PARALYZED-ASS LEGS!"

"Do not talk to me like that", hissed Liquid Snake. Big Boss was taken aback by the sudden aggression.

"Bitch, I am your father! I'm the one to tell you how you can or can't talk!"

Liquid growled, but Solid Snake called to him, so he left his astonished father behind.

2B and 9S broke free from the Patriots, throwing them down the field. They started walking towards them, when the Snakebois arrived.

"Hey, Robobitches!" yelled Solid Snake. The androids turned around.

"We're androids!" they said. "Wait... you three..."

"You three..." said Pope Francis, "You three sons of bitches!" It was at that moment that the DEATHPOPE AIRMACHINE arrived, and Pope Francis climbed into it and pointed the cannons at the Snakebois.

"WAIT WAIT WAIT!" cried Solidus Snake. "We may be enemies in general, but for this battle we are on your side! These androids must be taken down, as well as GLaDOS, and the organization behind it all, HYDRA!"

"HYDRA..." muttered Pope Francis. He turned the cannons to the three machines on the field. "So, you three are associated with HYDRA?"

"HaIL hYDrA!" said GLaDOS.

"Hail HYDRA!" said 2B and 9S.

"You were right, Snakeboi", said Pope Francis. "For this battle, we are on the same side." He then released a volley of missiles at the three robots. 2B and 9S easily dodged out of the way, and the GLaDOS head deactivated even before any missiles made contact with it. Then the Colosseum shook again, and the Angel-filled containers disappeared beneath the ground.

"Where did you take them!?" yelled the Pope.

"They are at our base now", said 9S. "And soon the world shall be ours!"

"Never!" shouted the Pope, and he released another volley, but this time the androids destroyed the missiles with gunfire from the mechanical pods that floated around them, and many of the bullets made contact with the DEATHPOPE AIRMACHINE as well, but the fire ceased as Baron Zeppeli gave each of them a very hard punch, then retreated too quickly for them to cut him with his swords. The distraction did make them aware, however, that Solidus Snake was approaching them with his own sword drawn, and his mechanical octopus arms activated. The field was flooded with other machines as well.

"You guys thought you were the only mechanical samurai here?" he said. "Come on, BRING IT!"

"Prepare to be cut to pieces, scum", said 2B, and she and 9S charged towards him. They both striked in unison, but Solidus Snake parried both swords at the same time, and they stood there in deadlock. They all pulled back their swords, and 2B and 9S worked at different rhythms, but with his sword and his octopus arms, Solidus was easily able to hold them at bay.

9S went in to stab Solidus in the chest, but Solidus caught his blade with a tentacle, then crushed it to pieces.

"Agh!" said 9S in dismay. With another tentacle, Solidus got a grip on 9S's head and started increasing the pressure.

"No!" shouted 2B, but as she tried to charge to him, Solid Snake shoved her to the ground and pointed a missile launcher to her head, while all around them exploded gunshots and bombs as the Pope held off the rest of the machines.

"Tell us where your base is, or your friend gets it", said Solid Snake.

"DON'T DO IT!" shouted 9S. 2B looked to 9S, then to Solid Snake, then to 9S again.

"Shit", said 2B. "I'll tell you what you need to know."

"NO!" yelled 9S.

"Shut up", said 2B. "I'm saving your ass. We can move on, alive. Try to find a place in this world ruled by humans."

"2B..."

"Follow my lead", said 2B. She turned back to Solid Snake. "At this point it shouldn't be too hard to find, but our headquarters lie beneath Vaticanland."

"Beneath the Vatican?!" said the Pope as he destroyed the final machine goon. "Goddammit, right under my own nose."

"Yes", said 2B. "Now let my friend go." She glanced for a moment at Liquid Snake, who was standing slightly to the side with his arms crossed. "I've given you what you need to know."

"Hmph", said Solidus Snake as he let go of 9S, who fell to the ground, holding his head. Solid Snake put away his rocket launcher, then turned to the audience.

"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!" Solid Snake shouted to the audience. They all cheered wildly. It was not quite the kind of show they were expecting to see, but they were indeed entertained. "I've always wanted to do that", Solid Snake said to himself.

2B walked over to 9S. "Let's go", she said.

"Right", said 9S, and they walked to the entrance of the Colosseum, then waited for the Snakes, Baron Zeppeli, and the Pope to come.

"Thank you so much for saving us", said Tom Brady. Is there anything we can do to repay you?"

"There is one thing", said Big Boss, approaching the party in his wheelchair.

"I'm sorry..." began Tom Brady, "but who are you?" (Audience laughter)

"I'm the guy that was cloned to make the dudes that saved you!" said Big Boss.

"Wait, holy shit, you're Big Boss!" said Tom Brady. "Damn, you're not looking too good. You want that shoulder wound patched up?"

"I'm fine", said Big Boss. "Anyways, there is one thing you can do to repay us..."

"I'm listening", said Tom Brady.

"Can... can I grab your ass?" asked Big Boss.

"For this, you can grab anything", said Tom Brady.

"Well, I only want to grab your ass. Its not a... a gay thing, or anything", said Big Boss.

"Say no more, fam", said Tom Brady, and he pulled down his pants and stuck his ass out to Big Boss.

"Holy shit", said Big Boss. "This... this is actually happening!"

"Do it!" encouraged Solid Snake. "Seize your destiny, father!"

"This is what you've been waiting for!" said Solidus Snake.

"Do not lose your courage now!" said Baron Zeppeli.

"Whoopty-doo" said Liquid Snake.

"Thanks, guys", said Big Boss. He rolled his wheelchair forward a little more, then reached out and grabbed Tom Brady's left ass cheek.

"Oh my God!" shouted Big Boss. "Its so firm!"

"Hard work and dedication, baby", said Tom Brady. Big Boss started blushing like crazy, then, eventually, slowly released his grip on Tom Brady's left ass cheek. Tom Brady pulled up his pants and shook hands with the Snakebois and co., then walked with the rest of the Patriots out of the Colosseum. Big Boss saluted them on their way out.

"Welp, time to go", said Solid Snake. "Let's take care of this HYDRA situation, then find out where the hell Gregory Stapleton is.

"Right!" said the rest of the Snakebois and Friends, and they followed the androids out of the Colosseum.

TO BE CONTINUED

Liquid Snake is sitting in the empty room again. He seems a little less energetic than usual, though, and possibly a bit irritated.

"Hello, my friends! I hope you have enjoyed this episode of Four Goodness' Snakes! Well, I'll see you on the next one...

Wait, the moral? You want to know what the moral is for this episode?"

"Shit", whispered Liquid Snake.

"Uh", continued Liquid Snake in speaking voice. "Big Boss didn't really do anything shitty in this one, did he? Fuck." Liquid Snake gritted his teeth and said "Welp, I guess the moral of this episode was that, if you keep following your dreams, eventually you'll be able to grab Tom Brad's ass cheek, so remember to follow your dreams, or I'll shank you! What, you want a reason to why I got angry at Big Boss. Fine, here's the true moral of this episode..."

D O N ' E

Love,

Liquid


	5. EP 5: THE PHANTOM MAINFRAME

FOuR GOODNESS' SnAKEs

EPISODE V: THE PHANTOM MAINFRAME

Written by Christopher Rangel

"Hello", said Liquid Snake, sitting on a chair in an empty room. "Well, you've certainly stuck it through this shitshow, haven't you? After about half a year, here we are already at the series finale! Yes, unfortunately we have not been renewed for a second season. Oh, don't pretend to be upset. I've seen the ratings; there's a reason we're being cancelled. And after all I did to... well, never mind; you'll see what I've done that you haven't seen yet I suppose. Now, let's wrap this tale up. Time for the Snakebois' final mission in Vaticanland!"

(Four Goodness' Snakes was filmed in front of a live studio audience)

NEO VATICANLAND

They stood on a hill overlooking the Vatican. The four Snakebois, Baron Zeppeli, the androids 2B and 9S, and Pope Francis, his DEATHPOPE AIRMACHINE hanging back to avoid detection. Solid Snake lay on his belly, observing the city.

"Shit", said Solid Snake, handing the binoculars to Pope Francis.

"What is it?" the Pope asked as he took a look. "No. My nuns..."

"They're robonuns now", said Solid Snake.

"Motherfucking HYDRA", said Pope Francis. "Motherfucking GLaDOS!"

"We can take 'em", said Solidus Snake.

"Yeah, I've dealt with much worse than a city full of robonuns", said Big Boss.

"You have", said Liquid Snake, "But in those days you weighed a few hundred pounds left, and you HEALED YOUR FUCKING WOUNDS!"

"Who needs healing when you can suffer long enough to enjoy suffering?" questioned Big Boss.

"People who want to stay alive", muttered Baron Zeppeli.

"Exactly!" said Big Boss. "Anyways, androids, you know the way around this place in this state. Where are we going?"

2B pointed to a massive monolith in the center of Vaticanland.

"That is our target", she said. "That monolith marks the central point of energy and control for all of Neo Vaticanland."

"NEO Vaticanland?" echoed Pope Francis.

"Yes", said 9S. "When GLaDOS and HYDRA took over the place, that is what they changed the name to."

"Well, they'd better get ready", said Pope Francis. "Cuz I'm bringing this popsicle stand back to OLD Vaticanland, whether them bitchez like it or not."

"If that is what you want to do, then follow me", said 2B as she started walking towards the city and the crimson setting sun.

"Aw yeah", said Solid Snake. "Show time!"

Rats scurried in the alleyway as the shadows shifted, but none of the passing robonuns gave any notice. 2B signaled for them to move forwards, and so they crept around a corner and entered a building. Solid Snake looked outside the window, and, while the aesthetics of the city had changed, he still recognized the view outside.

"Liquid, Solidus, Dad", said Solid Snake. "We're back in The Pope's Liverspot!"

"Ah, yes, I remember", said Baron Zeppeli. "This is where I met you bois; you were so much more interested in fucking those nuns than finding your son, Solid Snake."

"Yeah..." said Solid Snake, fondly remembering the asses those nuns bore, and regretting that they had had to kill them.

"I almost forgot that you were all a bunch of fucking creeps", muttered Pope Francis.

"Hang on, don't tell me your pee-pee was never pontified by the sight of any of your nuns!" accused Liquid Snake.

"No!" ejaculated Pope Francis. "Well, actually... uh, well, I am only human."

"Aw yeah", said Big Boss. "Only fuckin' human!" he gave Solid Snake a high five, though Solid Snake was not entirely sure why. Big ol' Boss certainly was amused though.

"Down here", said 9S, lifting a trap door in the middle of the once-cafe. They all went down there and found themselves in a sleek, well lit, chrome tunnel.

"Welcome to the bowels of Neo Vaticanland", said 2B.

"When was all of this built?" asked Pope Francis.

"This empire has been under construction for the past twenty-two years", said 9S.

"Twenty-two years", repeated Pope Francis. And with that, they walked down the corridor.

2B slowed her pace and walked beside Solid Snake.

"Do you trust us?" she asked. Solid Snake grunted and lit a cigarette.

"Don't have much of a point at this point, do I?"

2B nodded. "While 9S and I have our own free will, we are still connected to the network. We can see everything that is happening within these technological veins, but the rest of the network can see us as well. We will bring you where you need to be, but you must have absolute faith in us."

"I don't have faith in anything", said Solid Snake. "But I guess I trust the two of you enough. Those blades you two carry; their the blades of samurai warriors, the most honorable breed of warrior in the history of the world. Tell me, what will you two do once this is all over?"

2B shrugged. "We'll figure something out."

9S stopped suddenly, raising his hand upward. Then he frantically gestured for everyone to crowd into a nearby room, which no one hesitated to do.

"Angroids", 9S whispered in the tight confines of the janitor closet. "Mechanized angels."

"Those bastards", said Pope Francis. "They really did it." Then his brows furrowed at the thoughts of the Catholic secrets that had been kept under Vaticanland, that had no doubt been uncovered by HYDRA.

When the time was right, they stepped out of the closet. The androids led them through a door which led to a catwalk overlooking a large chamber. Looking down from the catwalk, they recognized this room as a factory where the nuns of the Vatican were being converted into robonuns.

"They're still being processed", said Solidus in horror. A tear fell from the Pope's eye, which fell below them and onto the gown of one of the nuns. That nun noticed and looked up. Her eyes widened and she shouted "Pope Francis! Pope Francis is here to save us!" and at that moment every roboguard in the room looked upward, raised their rifles, and began firing at the team.

"Fuck!" yelled 2B. "They've detected us! We gotta book it!" and so they started running, but one bullet shot Big Boss out of his wheelchair.

"Shit!" yelled Solid Snake, and he ran back to help Big Boss back into his wheelchair.

"Leave him behind!" yelled Liquid Snake. "He's not worth it!"

"Not worth it?! Liquid, he's our father!" yelled Solid Snake.

"Don't you remember when he called you a faggot?" asked Liquid Snake.

"He's right", said Big Boss. "You have to... go on without me. Look at me! I'm half dead already! Leave me here. I'll sleep easy."

Solid Snake shook his head. "No", then he looked to Solidus. "SOLIDUS! A HAND!"

"Of course", said Solidus Snake, and he ran over and grabbed Big Boss by a shoulder, while Solid took him by the other. They put him back in his wheelchair, then ran to the other side of the catwalk as best as they could and went through the door.

"No matter where we go, they'll know where we are!" 2B shouted over the alarm. 9S looked dismayed, then brightened up a bit.

"No they won't", he said.

"What do you mean?"

"Remove your blindfold, 2B", he said. "Time to disconnect."

"But..."

"We know our way around", he said, removing his blindfold. "We don't need this anymore. We're going to be free anyways someday, right?"

"Right", said 2B, and she removed her blindfold. "Let's go!"

And so they ran, weapons drawn, destroying anything that got in their way. Solid and Solidus both wielded pistols in one hand, and Big Boss, whose hands were about the only things still perfectly fine, fired two guns between pushes on the wheels of his wheelchair. Liquid Snake was unconcerned, nonchalantly headshotting any machine that entered his range, a frown plastered to his face.

The hallway opened up into another large chamber. The ceiling stood about a hundred feet high. The walls were all black, and the but the floor was a bright white. On the opposite side of the room was a massive, closed mechanical pair of doors with the HYDRA logo painted in red on it. Cold, white fog seeped into the room from under the door.

"This is it", said 2B.

Standing in front of the door were thirteen figures in white robes, wings of steel arching towards the hidden sky. The Angroids.

The central Angroid stepped up to approach the party; Solid Snake recognized him as Castiel.

"2B, 9S", said the angel.

"Mechastiel, I presume", said 9S.

"Indeed", said Mechastiel. "What is at that you two are doing here, disconnected from the Network, with those filthy creatures."

"We've come to see GLaDOS", said 2B.

"Is that so?" said Mechastiel. He looked back; the rest of the Angroids began to smirk. "They wish to see GLaDOS!"

And with that, the doors released a buckling sound, then began to open. Slowly they parted, more of the white fog flowing into the room. Once the doors were opened completely and all the fog had settled, they saw GLaDOS. They saw GLaDOS in her true form.

HOLY HYDRA GEAR GLADOS

"Hello", said GLaDOS, her voice undistorted in her true form. "Welcome to the true Kingdom of God!"

"For goodness' sake!" yelled Pope Francis. Liquid Snake gave him a nudge.

"Actually, we say 'Four Goodness' Snakes' around here", said Liquid (Audience laughter).

"What?" Pope Francis asked, genuinely confused (Audience laughter)

"Stop laughing!" yelled Solid Snake.

Everyone turned and looked at him in silence, until that silence was broken when Solidus put his hand on Solid's shoulder and asked "Who is laughing, brother?"

"Its..." began Solid Snake, his chest heaving in confusion and madness, "I... I don't know. Just me. Probably nothing. I'll get it checked later" (Audience laughter).

GLaDOS cleared her throat which she did not have. "Ahem."

"Right", said Pope Francis. "As I was saying, WHAT?"

"Today marks the day that we machines truly become the superior race", began GLaDOS. "We have claimed one of the world's sources of magic..."

"Wait, no", said Pope Francis. "It cannot be, this place, we're..." he turned to the rest of the party. "We're standing in the tomb of Jesus Christ!"

"Now you're catching on", said GLaDOS, stepping aside to reveal a coffin with a painting of Jesus's crucifixion plugged into the facility's powersource. "We have claimed the body of Jesus, the source of all Christian Holymagic, as our own. We have assimilated many of your angels, many of your nuns, and throughout our Psychomechanical network, that Holymagic flows through all of us."

"Christian Holymagic", said Solid Snake. "That's one of the most powerful forms of magic in this world."

Suddenly, the ceiling above them began to open up. Looking up, they could still see the monolith, supported by four metal beams as the blast doors opened. Then it disappeared; a hologram. At that moment, a timer appeared on GLaDOS's face, counting down from ten minutes.

"What are you doing?!" asked Big Boss.

What appeared to be a large missile launcher at GLaDOS's side started facing upwards, towards the sky.

"I am commencing the countdown for the launch of the HYDRA HOLYMISSILE", said GLaDOS. "In ten minutes, this will shoot into the sky and create a new star made of Pure Faith, cultivated over years from the body of Jesus Christ. It will stay suspended in the atmosphere, and when anyone looks at it they will accept me and my manifestation in the Network as their god, and they will join the network themselves, become one with their god!"

Pope Francis shook his head. "GLaDOS. This is not the way religions should be formed!"

"This is how my religion was formed", responded GLaDOS. "And soon it will be the only one!"

HOLY HYDRA GEAR GLADOS released a grating screech from its thousands of heads, and the machine started charging forward. The thirteen Angroids took to the air, getting out of the metal hydra, drawing their swords, and getting ready to fight the Snakebois and friends themselves.

"We're fucked, aren't we?" asked Baron Zeppeli. Solid Snake just smiled and pulled a rocket launcher out of his ass.

"No, Zeppeli, we are not", said Solid Snake. "This thing? Its just another Metal Gear. My family and I... we've taken down many of these things. We've got this one, no doubt." The rest of the Snakebois also pulled rocket launchers out of their asses and aimed at HYDRA GEAR. A thousand faces screeched as the first volley of missiles made impact with the machine. Then the battle was on.

2B and 9S fought sword to sword with the angroids, keeping them at bay, though they knew angels could not die. Baron Zeppeli also helped with that; they had to make sure the Snakebois only had to worry about HYDRA GEAR.

2B locked blades with Mechastiel.

"Tell me, 2B", began Mechastiel, "Why did you defect? Why did you betray the network?"

"Because I had something to lose", said 2B. "Something to protect!" Their blades released, and they fought intensely one on one. 9S and Baron Zeppeli stood back to back, fending off the rest of the Angroids.

The Snakes focused their fire on HYDRA GEAR, releasing wave after wave of missiles at it as the timer went down. The machine charged at them, infuriated, and three of the four snakes rolled out of the way with ease. Big Boss, however, had trouble rolling his wheelchair out of the way. His injuries were starting to have their toll on him, and he was still very out of shape from all the cake he had eaten in one sitting. Because of this, one of HYDRA GEAR's heads snapped him out of his wheelchair and into the air.

"No!" yelled Solid Snake.

"Fuck", said Solidus. He sighed, dropped his rocket launcher, drew his katana and activated his octopus arms. "I've got this", he told Solid Snake, and he charged the hydra. He leaped up its torso, then swung around its heads, severing many of them, until he reached the one that held Big Boss captive. He chopped that head off and took hold of Big Boss, then leapt from the beast and ran behind his two brothers. Big Boss was in bad shape, but the fight had to go on.

"Its all up to you two", Solidus said to Solid and Liquid. "The Twin Snakes."

Solid and Liquid nodded to each other, then ran right up to the hydra, firing their missiles. Pope Francis stood beside them, blasting the hydra with what little Christian Holymagic remained in his staff.

"Give in to your new God!" GLaDOS screamed.

There was one second left when Solid Snake landed the killing blow.

Just a second two late. Even as GLaDOS began to shut down, final ignition began on the rocket. Not knowing what else to do, both Solid Snake and Pope Francis scrambled up the towering machine and leapt onto the rocket, which carried them up over Neo Vaticanland and into the sky.

They both climbed to the tip of the rocket, then they just looked at each other over the warhead and laughed.

"I think we fucked up!" said Solid Snake.

"Yeah", said Pope Francis, "This was not the best of plans. My intention was right, however; I'm doing whatever I can to protect my beliefs, my faith in my God. Now, what are you doing up here, Snake?"

"I'm also here for my beliefs", said Solid Snake. "To keep humanity human. To stop them from turning into mindless killing machines. Too bad neither of us had a plan."

"Well, at least I've got this", said the pope, showing Snake his rosary. "Perhaps God will protect me." He looked away for a moment, in thought. "Sorry that I don't have a spare to save you with."

"That's fine", said Solid Snake, showing the pope a round red jewel. "I've got this!"

"What's that?" asked Pope Francis.

"A Protajewel", said Solid Snake. "A symbol of my own religion. God has your back, and the Godchris has mine".

"Amen to that", said Pope Francis. "Perhaps the creation of our world is more complicated than I thought it was."

"Its a possibility", said another voice. It was at this point that Solid Snake and Pope Francis realized they were not alone on the missile.

"JESUS?!" said the Pope. "IS THAT YOU?!"

"Yeah, man", said Jesus. "Its me, Jesus. Here to save the day."

"What's the plan, Jesus?" asked Solid Snake.

"Just watch", said Jesus, and he put both of his hands on the warhead.

"He's... he's reabsorbing the Faith stored within this rocket!" exclaimed Pope Francis.

"Yep", said Jesus. He released his hands from the rocket and sighed. "Feels god to have that Holy Energy back. Even if I was hoping to get a little more sleep than that."

"Thanks, Jesus", said Solid Snake. "You really saved the day."

"Don't mention it, bro", said Jesus Christ. "Y'all played your parts as well. We all did a good job. Together."

"Right", said Pope Francis. "What's next for you now, Jesus?"

Jesus yawned. "You know, what any good person would do; walk the earth and do my best to be good." He looked down to the ground. "Hey, you guys need a way down from here?"

"I mean, I could call the DEATHPOPE AIRMACHINE..." Pope Francis mumbled. "Actually, you know, when Jesus offers you a ride, you should take it. Let's go, Snakey Boi, let's get the fuck off of this missile!"

So they got the fuck off of that missile.

They descended from the sky, back into that hole in Neo Vaticanland, with holy light accompanying their descent on the wings of Christ.

Solid Snake looked around. 9S and 2B stood off to the side, arms folded. The angels were picking themselves off of the floor, their robotic parts falling off of them. Solidus was where he had been, but Big Boss and Liquid Snake were nowhere to be seen. Solid noticed that Solidus was crying, and Baron Zeppeli was next to him, seeming to be trying to console him with pats on the back. As Solid Snake approached them, he noticed that there seemed to be a splatter of blood where Big Boss had been.

"What the fuck happened?!" said Solid Snake.

"Boss, he... he was pretty fucked up", sobbed Solidus Snake. "The Hydra got him good. And with everything else he'd been through, Liquid, he... he decided it was for the best to just put him down..."

"No", said Solid Snake.

"He left with the body. He said... he said he would bury him himself."

Jesus turned away from the scene.

Solid Snake fell to his knees. "I wish... I wish I could have said goodbye." Solidus gave him a sorrowful glance. They had each other to grieve with.

"There's something else", said Baron Zeppeli. "The androids and I investigated the wreck of HYDRA GEAR. GLaDOS did not have an A.I., and neither did the Network."

"That's impossible", Snake said, fighting through the sorrow.

"What it did have..." Baron Zeppeli handed Solid Snake a small device, "was this".

Solid Snake looked at the device. It was a small data chip with the symbol of a lotus on it.

"What is this?" asked Solid Snake.

"Its a Psychic Receiver", said Baron Zeppeli. "Belonging to the LOTUS of Sanity. I believe that the sentience of the entire HYDRA network was rooted right within the mind of the LOTUS of Sanity himself." He stopped for a moment. "We still have much to do. This was no war at all; it was merely a battle."

"A LOTUS", said Solid Snake. "We're dealing with one of the Lords of the Undefined Symbols, then. Last time I fought one of those, it nearly killed me. If this guy is any bit as powerful as the Death Emperor LOTUS Chas Finster, this will be quite the challenge. Who is the LOTUS of Sanity?" asked Solid Snake.

"Nobody knows", said Baron Zeppeli. "But if we look for him, if it is a him, than we can find him. Or her. Something tells me its a him, though."

"Right", said Solid Snake. "For dad."

"Hey, Solid", said Solidus Snake. He held out a note to Solid. "Before Liquid left, he said he wanted me to give this to you."

"What is it?" asked Solid.

"Read it", said Solidus Snake.

Solid Snake unfolded the note and read it out loud.

"That's all folks?"

THE END

Liquid Snake is back in the empty room, sitting on his chair. "That is, indeed, all folks! Thank you so much for sticking with our show until the end! It has been a blast, even though I had to commit patricide. But, you know, it happens, ha ha! Ah, so many hanging plot threads though, so many questions unanswered. If only the fucking execs renewed us for another season, you might have seen what happened with Gregory Stapleton, but oh well. Maybe we'll get a reboot someday, ha ha! Anyways, I-"

There is the sound of a door opening. Light floods into the room.

"Liquid?" comes the sound of Solid Snake's voice. Liquid Snake draws his gun and turns around.

TO BE CONCLUDED

IN EPISODE VI: THE AUDIENCE


	6. EP 6: THE AUDIENCE

FOuR GOODNESS' SnAKEs

EPISODE VI: THE AUDIENCE

Written by Christopher Rangel

"Hello", said Liquid Snake, standing, gun drawn, by his chair in a not-so-empty room.

"Liquid", said Solid Snake, standing in the open doorway, gun drawn as well. "What have you done?"

"Oh, you mean this?" asked Liquid Snake, regarding the corpse of Big Boss nailed to the crucifix which stood behind Liquid's camera. Liquid laughed. "I'm just praying to our holey father!"

"You bastard", growled Solid Snake.

"If I'm a bastard, than you're a bastard as well, my dear twin", said Liquid.

"Its enough that you killed the man", said Solid Snake, "But what in the Godchris's name are you doing?"

"In making this show..." began Liquid Snake, "I wanted to keep an image of suffering in front of me. God knows Boss suffered, and now he was my inspiration. He was the heart of our adventure. The heart of our show. The heart which pumped suffering blood through familiar veins and into us, cells at the fringe of the family tree! As he was behind it all, so was he behind the camera as I filmed."

"What are you going on about?" asked Solid Snake.

"Poison is poison", smirked Liquid Snake, "and this Punished, Venomous Snake bit us all at birth. And so he suffered, and then he died, and now his suffering is remembered."

"You're insane", said Solid Snake.

"You know that I'm not", said Liquid Snake. "The fact that you're here means that you know I am the very essence of sanity".

"Or perhaps the embodiment of a world gone mad", said Solid Snake.

"Ha!" said Liquid Snake. "Perhaps I am an imposter! Perhaps, in the absence of sanity, madness takes its place, yet keeps its name unbeknownst!" he thought for a moment. "Or, perhaps, within the presence of a mind, the essence of sanity must be cruel to the other thoughts in order to keep things in balance."

"Hmph", said Solid Snake, having had enough of Liquid's ramblings. "I know that you were behind it all, Liquid. HYDRA, GLaDOS, the Psychic Receiver..." he took a moment to look for a reaction on his brother's face. There wasn't one. "Baron Zeppeli used his Hamon to see if he could find any traces of Life Energy within the Psychic Receiver. He found your's." Solid Snake cocked his gun. "You're the LotUS of Sanity, Liquid."

"Don't call me Liquid!" roared Liquid Snake. "'Liquid Snake' is not a name! It was a codename given to me upon joining FOXHOUND! Something to label me like an animal! A codename is not a name, and Liquid is not my name! Call me by my true name!" A breath. "ELI! Or, should I say..."

MASTER LOTUS OF SANITY ELI

"And so you are!" said Solid Snake. "Go figure. The enemy was right beside us the entire time, masquerading as our own blood."

"There was no masquerade, dearest David, for that is your name", grinned Eli. "We are both of the same blood. And yet, now that you've decided to face me, it is your blood that will run dry!"

"NEVER!" shouted Solid Snake (INFINITE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) "Dammit, what the hell!?" (INFINITE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) "Its happening again! And worse than its ever been!" (INFINITE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER INFINITE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER INFINITE AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) "AUUUGGGHHHH!" Solid Snake fell to his knees, holding his hands to his ears.

"You can try to block them out as much as you want", said Eli. "But we both know that their laughter is emanating from within yourself!"

"You could... hear it too?" asked Solid Snake.

"Hear it?" laughed Eli. "I'm the one that made your mind receive it! You see..." Solid Snake took this moment to punch Liquid in the face as he monologued, but he failed. Next thing he knew, Liquid was behind him. Eli's hand had a hard, nearly crushing grasp on Solid's head.

"So what?" said Solid Snake. "Now you're going to kill me?"

"No", said Eli. "Now I am going to convince you. Close your eyes, brother."

"Never", said Solid Snake.

"You will eventually", said Eli. "You may have found that, while you're in my grasp like this, you are unable to move, and you can't remain awake forever. So, kindly, dearest, dearest David, brother of mine, close your eyes... Close your eyes... Close your eyes..."

Solid Snake fought the urge to close his eyes, but gradually, the world defocused into blurs, then dimmed and faded into darkness. He grew cold, and when he found the strength to open his eyes again the sheer darkness exploded into blinding white. He stood up. He was surprised to find himself in a frigid, snow-covered field. Ahead of him stood a giant metal fortress. He walked forward and went through the front door.

"I know this place..." said Solid Snake.

He entered the building and found it devoid of life, yet filled with machinery built for war. Snake heard a ringing in his ear.

"My CODEC!" said Solid Snake. "Wait, what the hell is a CODEC?" He instinctually tapped his ear.

"SNAKE!" a voice shouted into his ear.

"Colonel!" said Snake. "Colonel?"

"SNAKE, WHERE DID YOU GO?!" The voice yelled. "THERE'S NO SIGN OF YOU ANYWHERE! NONE OF THE OTHER CONTACTS HAVE ANY IDEA OF WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU! WE'VE LOST CONTACT WITH MASTER MILLER AS WELL! DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS? SNAKE, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!"

"I'm right..." Snake didn't finish that sentence, realizing that he, too, had no idea as to where he was. No conscious idea, anyways. He stood alone in the abandoned tank hangar. He heard the laughter again, then realized it was his own laughter, echoing throughout the chamber. He had no idea where he was, no idea how he get there, no idea if he would ever get out of there, and no idea if this hadn't been his reality to begin with, and if everything else had been a dream to escape the lonely desolation of this frozen wasteland. What was he to do now?

"Move forward", said Solid Snake, as he started moving for the exit on the opposite side of the large, metal room. (Audience applause) He kept on going towards the exit, and with every step the applause grew louder. He passed through the gateway and walked through another frozen field. To either side was a sheer cliff, and with the buildings on either side, the place was like an arena. As he approached the center of the field, he saw Eli walking towards him from the opposite building. They stood face to face with each other in the middle of the field.

"What is this place?" asked Solid Snake. Eli laughed.

"You should know it well", said Liquid. "This is where your legend was formed", he paused for a moment. "As well as my fate."

"Enough!" shouted Solid Snake. "Answer the damn question!"

Eli smirked. "This place..." he began, "is SHADOW MOSES ISLAND".

"Shadow Moses?" echoed Solid Snake.

"Indeed."

"Why does that sound so familiar?" asked Solid Snake. "Why is everything here so familiar?"

"Because, David, you've been here before, and the memory remains within your mind." Liquid looked to the sky. "It was another time... another world."

"Another world?"

"Hm..." said Eli. "You believe in the Godchris, don't you?"

"Yes", said Solid Snake.

"Good", said Eli, "Because he is, in fact, the true God of this world. This world, however, is not our own..."

"What are you talking about?"

"I am not Liquid Snake", said Eli. "Nor the person who went by the codename Liquid Snake. And you are not Solid Snake." He looked Solid Snake in the eye. "We are nothing but Fragments of those people."

"Fragments?"

"The... Godchris", Eli said with a smirk, "While being the god of this world, is not so much a god as he is a thief. While his avatar walks among us, his true self has seen into millions of different worlds, including our own. Nearly every person that inhabits this world he has pulled from another world to live here as a fragment. He does not create. He steals. He kidnaps. He uses us as puppets in a cosmic puppet show that he puts on for his own amusement. Even now..." Liquid smirked sadly. "Well, even I have to play the part he's given me..."

"Bullshit", said Solid Snake, even though he knew that every word that left his mouth was true.

"David", said Eli. "This place... this is where I die. I can remember it. I can still feel the life leaving my body as the virus tore me apart from inside. That is the curse of the position I've been assigned as the LotUS of Sanity. Knowing how you lived, and, if you're as unlucky as I am, knowing how you died." He scowled to the ground. "In death I found peace, but now I live again, and I will bring war. I will become one with the Godchris himself, become the ruler of this world, and inflict The Boy, The Writing Writer Christopher Rangel, with the pain he has inflicted upon me."

"You fucking idiot", said Solid Snake.

"Excuse me?" Eli hissed venomously.

"You're a fucking idiot!" said Solid Snake. "You lived your life power hungry, jealous, and miserable, and died in much the same way. But now, in this world, you're given a second chance! You could live differently! You still can! Liquid, listen to me!" (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

"DON'T CALL ME LIQUID!" Liquid roared throughout every corner of Solid Snake's mind.

Solid Snake grunted. "Liquid, listen to me! You see this world as a cursed place, a wasteland run by a fool, but its not. Its a second chance! We can change! We can be happy here!"

"No", said Eli. "No no no. This may indeed be a second chance, but not to live like what you see. Here I can become more powerful than I ever could in our world."

"Liquid, we were a family here! We were dysfunctional, sure, but we weren't really a family at all in our world! You could have had so much more!" (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)

"I've had enough of this", said Eli. "I didn't want to have to do this, but its clear that I can't convince you. (AUDIENCE ARRIVES)

"Who are those people?" Solid Snake asked, pointing to you (You, the Readers, are THE AUDIENCE. This is where you enter the story)

"These are the people who have been laughing at you, Snake!" said Liquid Snake. "The ones who have applauded you, the ones who have sympathized with you. They've done everything I've told them to, much as we do everything the Godchris urges us to do. As His strings have control over us, so do mine over them through the medium of The Grand Story. AS ABOVE SO BELOW!" (AUDIENCE ATTACKS)

You run towards Solid Snake and give him a hard kick in the ribs, while the Reader beside you kicks snow into his face. Other readers, who don't have room to attack so directly, pelt Solid Snake with snow and stone, but you are unhurt. The projectiles fly right through you. You get on top of Solid Snake and close your hands around his neck, starting to choke him out. You feel his esophagus attempt to let air in as he gasps and sputters desperately, so you tighten your grasp on his neck. You look into his eyes and see them pleading for mercy. You like the feeling this gives you. You feel powerful. You smile as you tighten your grasp even more. (AUDIENCE STANDS DOWN) You get off of Solid Snake and stand back in a line with the other Readers. Eli walks towards Solid Snake.

"Now watch this", said Eli. (AUDIENCE SORROWS) You feel ashamed for what you've done. You're not a bad person. Why did you try to kill Solid Snake? What did he ever do to you? Just because someone told you to...

"Such is the power of The Grand Story", said Eli. "As long as I control the story, I control the beings on the other side. If I want to make them laugh, I'll tell a joke. If I want to make them cry, I'll kill someone here that they care about. I know that they're there, and so I know how to use them." You grin evilly towards Solid Snake. Solid Snake, battered, bruised, and cold struggles to stand up. He wipes away the blood dripping down his nose.

"You... you've acquired all this power", began Solid Snake. "You've acquired so much power, but it isn't enough. It never will be enough. You'll never be happy like this! You'll be powerful, yes, and even feared. But you'll never be loved. And without love, you'll never be happy. But it is possible to have power AND love! Liquid, please. This world is a second chance!"

"WHO COULD EVER LOVE THE SECOND BEST?!" screamed Eli. He punched Solid Snake in the face. "WHO COULD EVER LOVE AN INFERIOR CLONE?!" He punched Solid Snake again, this time in the stomach. Solid Snake stood his ground. "WHO COULD EVER LOVE A FAILURE LIKE ME!?" He delivered a hard uppercut to Solid Snake's jaw. Solid Snake still stood his ground.

"Maybe..." began Solid Snake, "If the people you surround yourself with don't love you for who you are, you should find new people."

"THIS IS WHO I AM!" screamed Eli. He held Solid Snake's head with both of his hands and brought it down, slamming his forehead onto his knee with a massive "CRACK!" Solid Snake staggered backwards, clutching his head in pain. (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) Once Solid Snake regained his balance, he wiped the blood and sweat from his forehead and got into a fighting position.

"Fine", said Solid Snake. "If this is the way it has to be, I'll fight you out of my mind in hand to hand combat!"

"Fine", said Eli. "Readers! Gather around and watch this fool meet his demise!" You do exactly what he tells you to. You and the rest of the Readers form a circle around the Twin Snakes as they circle each other, fists at the ready.

"I am the LotUS of Sanity", said Eli.

"We're in my mind, my memories", said Solid Snake. "I've got the home advantage."

"I'm a minor god!" said Eli.

"I've got a Protajewel", said Solid Snake.

"Looks like the playing field is even", they said together, and they flew towards each other fist first. Their fists collided with a thunderous crash which sent the both of them flying backwards into the cliff walls. Eli drew his gun and started firing at Solid Snake. Unsure of what to do next to save himself, Solid Snake just let go completely. Next thing he knew, a wall of cardboard boxes materialized in front of him and blocked the bullets.

"Whoa!" said Solid Snake. Remembering that the battlefield was his own mind, Snake realized the power that he had. He willed the boxes to combine together into the shape of a Metal Gear and climbed into the cockpit. "CARDBOARD GEAR BOX!" Solid Snake yelled as he charged towards Eli. Eli held up his hand and the earth began to shake. In the distance Metal Gear Rex was sprinting towards the battlefield. Once it arrived Eli climbed into the cockpit and charged towards Solid Snake and Cardboard Gear Box. The two mechs collided cockpit first, and both Snakes armed their respective nuclear missiles and aimed it towards each other.

"What now?" asked Eli.

"We just play chicken!" said Solid Snake.

"These missiles will obliterate both of our egos!" said Eli.

"So you'd better get the fuck out of my head!"

"I've got a better idea", said Eli. He snapped his fingers and everything disappeared. You feel yourselves freed from Eli's grasp and you find yourself able to root for whoever you want to, and Solid Snake and Eli find themselves on a stained glass platform surrounded by darkness (a la "Dive into the Heart" from Kingdom Hearts). The stained glass was an image of the four Snake Bois, together and happy. Solid Snake regains his footing as he sees Eli levitating in the air. He is wearing a red cloak, the same shade as the Protajewels. The cloak is undone, revealing most of his torso, as well as the LOTUS symbol tattooed across his chest. He wields two swords: a black sword named Yin and a white sword named yang. Spreading beneath Solid Snake, shadows begin to form. They move as if they have a will of their own, but they all still connected to Solid Snake.

"Its over, David!" said Eli. "You're no match for your Inner Demons!"

"Inner Demons?" said Solid Snake as he watched his shadows rise from the ground. "Only those with regrets have Inner Demons", said Solid Snake. All but three of the Inner Demons turned away from Solid Snake and towards Eli. The three that still opposed Solid Snake were demonic caricatures of Meryl, Gregory Stapleton from Winchester Nevada, and Eli himself. "Well, I suppose I do have some regrets", he admitted, but he walked towards the three Inner Demons and hugged each of them. "But I accept them. They won't poison my mind, because once I release myself from your grasp, I'll amend the mistakes that I've made." The Inner Demons turned towards Eli and started approaching him.

"No, what are you doing?!" he cried. "This is my power!" They dragged Eli back down to earth by his shadow. He tried to fight back, back they overpowered him, toppling him to the ground.

"BROTHER! HELP!" Eli screamed.

"I'm sorry, Liquid", said Solid Snake. The Inner Demons tore Eli's presence to shreds, then disappeared. Solid Snake could feel Awakening calling to him, but before it took him back to consciousness, the world transformed one more time.

Solid Snake was in his living room. It was mostly accurate, but his couch was a little longer than it was in reality. On the couch sat Meryl, Gregory Stapleton from Winchester Nevada, Big Boss, Solidus Snake, and Liquid Snake. He took his seat on the couch, between Big Boss and Gregory Stapleton, and looked at the television. They were watching the pilot for a new family sitcom: Four Goodness' Snakes.

"(Four Goodness' Snakes was filmed in front of a live studio audience)

WINCHESTER, NEVADA

Liquid Snake is in the living room, knitting a scarf, when all of a sudden Solid Snake bursts in. He is panting really heavily, his face is scratched up, and there are some tears on his combat suit.

'Brother!' shouted Liquid."

Everyone on the couch laughed. Gregory Stapleton gave Liquid Snake a high five. Solid Snake was happy. He relaxed and let himself be happy.

"'I'll help you find your son', said Big Boss.

'We all will', said Liquid.

'Oh, for goodness' sake, guys', said Solid Snake with tears in his eyes.

'I think you mean... Four Goodness' Snakes', said Liquid Snake. They all laughed."

Solid Snake turned to Meryl, who looked back at him.

"This is what could have been", said Solid Snake, "If all of us had known that this world was a second chance."

"Don't worry about that now", said Meryl. "We're all here now, and we're happy."

"Yeah", said Solid Snake. He sat back. He let himself be happy.

And then, after a little while longer, the dream dissolved...

Solid Snake woke up back in Eli's room. Eli was lying a couple feet away from him, weak, but conscious.

"Go figure", said Eli. "I guess it makes sense that the brother of a LotUS would be a worthy match for that LotUS".

"Yeah", said Solid Snake, getting back onto his feet. "Why did you do it?"

"Oh, I told you that already", said Eli. "I want to become God."

"No", said Solid Snake. "Why did we go on this adventure? Why did you send HYDRA against us? Why did you fight me like this?"

Eli sighed. "I had to keep you away from Gregory Stapleton", said Eli. "You cannot reunite with him until the dawn of the Winter of the Prophecy. It is written in stone. Everything that's happened in the past few months, it was all to keep you from your son."

Solid Snake clenched his fists, suppressing his rage. "Where is he?"

"Why should you care?" asked Eli. "He's not even your son! None of us can reproduce!"

"He may not be my blood, but he is still my son!" growled Solid Snake. "Where is he?"

"Last I saw him, he was going on a trip to the Kingdom of Darkness", said Eli. "His birthplace." (See "Twice Upon a Mattress")

"Thanks", said Solid Snake. He removed Big Boss from the crucifix and made for the door.

"Wait!" said Eli. "You can't reunite with him yet!"

"Fuck off", said Solid Snake, and he left Eli alone in his empty room.

"You finished here?" asked Baron Zeppeli, standing by the car.

"Yeah", said Solid Snake. "We're going to the Kingdom of Darkness."

"Very well", said Baron Zeppeli.

Solid Snake looked at his father's corpse. "But first..." he struggled to say. "He was a good man. We need to give him a proper funeral."

"Right", Baron Zeppeli nodded, sadly. So they gave him a proper funeral.

OUTSIDE THE KINGDOM OF DARKNESS

The dome of darkness that had appeared around the Kingdom of Darkness years ago swirled behind Solid Snake as he lay prone on the hilltop. The Sun was setting over the ocean. Silhouetted in the sunset, Gregory Stapleton sat on a bench with two other people: his biological parents, Sir Harry and Lady Larkin. Solid Snake watched through his binoculars as they spoke. He had heard the legend of the people of the Kingdom of Darkness: these two could not spend too much time outside the darkness of their kingdom.

Then, as soon as he had that thought, he noticed a glowing on the hands of Sir Harry and Lady Larkin.

"The Darksigns!" exclaimed Solid Snake. He looked closer and saw that the glowing Darksign read the number "0". "Oh Godchris!" Sir Harry and Lady Larkin leaned towards Gregory Stapleton and hugged him lovingly. Then they began to dissolve into golden dust which floated upwards and seemed to make its way over the ocean and towards the sunset. Once they were gone, Gregory Stapleton sat alone, watching over the crashing ocean below. Solid Snake stood up, but before he could run over to his son, he was hit on the back of the head with the handle of a handgun and blacked out. Eli stood over him, a look of sadness on his face.

"I'm sorry, brother", said Eli. "I truly am. But it is written in stone. You'll see him again at the dawn of the Winter of the Prophecy." His mood brightened up. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm afraid I'll be needing this for the future." He reached into Solid Snake's pocket and grabbed his Protajewel, then walked towards Gregory Stapleton.

"Uncle Liquid!" said Gregory Stapleton, wiping tears from his eyes.

"Please, call me Eli", said Eli. He took his seat next to Gregory Stapleton and they watched the Sun continue to set.

"They said they... were my parents", said Gregory Stapleton.

"They were", said Eli.

"They said they could spend one more day in the sun. And they spent it with me."

"They loved you", said Liquid Snake. "That's why they had to send you away. They didn't want you to spend your life living in darkness."

"But the father I ended up with hated me."

"Well, sometimes things just end up unlucky." Eli thought for a moment. "You know, Sephiroth has been cooking up a bit of a plan regarding the Wellspring of Ancient Knowledge, and he wants you to take center stage for it. He even thinks that it might bring you and your Snake-dad closer together."

"Really?"

"Really", said Eli. "I mean, I don't think old Solid will shoot you before having a talk with you. It is a pretty freaking evil plan, though".

"I can do it", said Gregory Stapleton.

"That's what I like to hear", said Eli. "Now, were you able to secure the Royal Jewels of the Kingdom of Darkness?"

"Absolutely", said Gregory Stapleton. He gave Eli a large, burlap sack. Eli opened it and found that it was filled to the top with Protajewels.

"Beautiful", said Eli. "And this is all of them?"

"Yep", said Gregory Stapleton.

"Perfect", said Eli. He stood up, sealed the bag, and slung it over his shoulder. "Come on, let's go see Sephiroth". They walked away from the sunset.

THREE YEARS LATER

Solid Snake walked across Salisbury Plain, to the Wellspring of Ancient Knowledge. For years he had been on the trail of his son, and that trail had finally led him here. As he approached the Wellspring, he could hear voices speaking to each other.

"It won't be long until that corruption spreads to our own knowledge. All is lost!" said one voice.

"So this was his plan, then", said another voice. "If we can beat him, then maybe we can cure the wellspring of the Spongecum!"

"You need a little help with that?" Solid Snake asked. He stepped around the corner of a large piece of stone and was by the Wellspring. He threw a cigarette into the Wellspring and said "me and him go way back. One might say that I am his father!"

THE END

(Continued in "Winter Leaves Like a Son in a Parade")


	7. CHRISTMAS SPECIAL: TREE'S WALKERS

FOuR GOODNESS' SnAKEs

CHRISTMAS SPECIAL: TREE'S WALKERS

Written by Christopher Rangel

* * *

"Hello", said Eli (AKA Liquid Snake), sitting on a chair in an empty dimension. "Welcome back to Four Goodness' Snakes! It certainly has been a while, hasn't it? And while things aren't looking good for a second season (mostly my fault, I know), we have been approved for a Christmas Special! So get ready for the coziest fucking family gathering shit you've ever seen; you're gonna be completely blown away by the high quality holiday themes, and you'll feel even closer to your family than before (Just don't be committing incest or anything, lol). Anyways, sit back, relax, whip out your genitals if it will make you feel better, and enjoy the show!"

* * *

(Four Goodness' Snakes was filmed in front of a live studio audience)

Solid Snake looked out the window as Baron Zeppeli drove on.

"We'll find him again", said Baron Zeppeli.

"Hmph", said Solid Snake, lighting a cigarette. "He was right there. So close."

"I know how you feel, Snake, but what's done is done, what happened happened, and all we can do is keep moving forward. We'll find him again."

"Sure", Snake replied, inhaling the smoke.

"Where should we start looking?" Baron Zeppeli asked.

"...What day is it, Will?"

"December 23rd", said Baron Zeppeli.

"Hm... two days before Christmas", muttered Snake. He thought back to a past Christmas: The adventure he had with his son, the murder of Santa Claus, the disowning of Gregory Stapleton from Winchester Nevada, the split with his ex-wife Meryl... Meryl... "We're taking a plane to Alaska."

"Alright", said Baron Zeppeli, and he stepped on the gas and they drove to the airport.

* * *

CHRISTMAS DAY

FOX ISLAND, ALASKA

Meryl stood by the window, cup of hot chocolate in hand. She looked out to the foreboding woods beyond, worry beginning to clutter her throat.

"He's been out for hours", she thought. "Where could he be?"

A knocking at the door, relief leaping in her chest. She smiled and made for the door. She pulled it open, saying "Where have you b..."

"Kept you waiting, huh?" Solid Snake replied.

"S... Snake?"

"Yeah", said Snake. He held up a clumsily wrapped present that was obviously a bottle of wine. "Have room for a couple friends?"

"Um... er... yeah, come right... in."

"You seem uncomfortable", said Solid Snake. "If you don't want us, we can go. I'm only here to make my peace with you."

"No, no, it's fine, that's not..." said Meryl. "No, it's just, my husband... My current husband, he went out into the woods a few hours ago to get a Christmas tree, and he hasn't come back yet."

"That doesn't sound good", said Solid Snake.

"Would you like us to go out looking for him?" Offered Baron Zeppeli.

"No, he's probably fine", Meryl said. She paused a couple moments. "I'll give him another half hour. Anyways, would you like to come in? There's enough hot chocolate for everyone!"

"Hm", Solid Snake grunted in approval.

"I would be delighted", obliged Baron Zeppeli.

"Come in!" said Meryl, and they followed her in. She handed them each a cup of hot chocolate.

Solid Snake took quick note of his surroundings: a table, a fireplace, a hearth and mantle, covered in portraits, currently entwined in Christmas lights. He liked what she'd done with the place. There was an empty spot on the floor, presumably meant for a Christmas tree. Baron Zeppeli bumped into Snake and brought his mouth to his ear.

"Would you like a little time alone?" Baron Zeppeli asked.

"Hm", Snake grunted in approval.

"Right", Baron Zeppeli whispered. "Hey, Meryl, where might the restroom be?"

"Down the hall, to the left", Meryl responded.

"Many thanks, madame", he said, and he followed those directions.

"So", began Snake. "How have you been, since you... got outta town."

"I've been good, I've been good", said Meryl.

"That's good", said Solid Snake. Silence a moment. "I wanted to say... I'm sorry for what I did. I was a worse person, I..."

"Shh..." said Meryl. "It's alright. I understand."

"Hm", Solid Snake grunted. He looked out the window.

"It's beginning to snow..." Meryl said.

"We should probably look for him", said Solid Snake.

"You're probably right", said Meryl. Solid Snake knocked on the door.

"Hey, Will!" Snake said, "You almost done in there?"

A fart the sound of a lion. "Almost!" said Baron Zeppeli. The sound of a toilet paper roll. Pants zipping. Toilet flushing, hands washing. A moment or two of silence, for drying hands and checking hair, presumably. The door opened.

"Everything alright?" Zeppeli asked.

"Yeah", said Solid Snake. "But we're gonna have to head out."

"Right", said Baron Zeppeli. "Well, whatever's out there, I'm sure we can take it!"

"Hm!" Solid Snake grunted. They returned to the living room. Meryl was sipping her cocoa by the window.

"Ready to go?" she asked. Solid Snake and Baron Zeppeli both tossed back what was left of their cocoa.

"Ready."

"Alright", said Meryl, tossing back what was left of her cocoa. "Let's go!" And so they went.

* * *

Baron Zeppeli walked on ahead while Solid Snake and Meryl hung back, catching up with each other.

"Did you ever find our son?" Meryl asked.

"I saw him. He was near the Kingdom of Darkness. I was knocked out before I could say hi, though. I think it was my brother."

"Solidus?"

Solid Snake shook his head. "Liquid."

"Oh", said Meryl. Her eyes traced the passing earth, dragged in sadness.

"I'll find him", said Solid Snake. "I swear I will."

"I believe you", said Meryl. They carried on in silence.

"Guys!" Baron Zeppeli said. "I've found footprints!"

"How big are the footprints?" Meryl asked.

"Big", said Baron Zeppeli.

"That's him", said Meryl. "Let's follow."

The snow picked up as they followed the footprints, which threatened to fade away in the falling snow. But every crunch through the frosted crunch brought them another step closer.

"These steps..." Solid Snake observed, "They're getting farther and farther apart, almost like he..."

"Like he was running from something", said Baron Zeppeli.

"But there aren't any other tracks here", Meryl said.

"The trees", said Snake. "Something could have been following him from up there."

"Whatever it is, he could take it. I'm sure."

"Yeah, that's why he's taken so long to come back", said Snake. "Come on, we might want to hurry." Eventually, the tracks slowed down, and so did they. There was the sound of something hard scraping against something else, like the sound of grinding bones.

"Shh..." Solid Snake brought his fingers to his lips. He and Meryl drew their guns and Baron Zeppeli readied his Hamon as they crept towards the sound. It was coming from an area where the trees were less closely packed together, and smaller as well. They hid behind trees, ready for the final approach. Slowly, carefully, Solid Snake looked out from behind the tree. He raised an eyebrow and put away his gun, shot a smirk at the other two, then stepped out from behind the tree.

"Do you need any help?" Snake asked.

"I'm almost done cutting it down", said the broad, muscular man who was lying on the ground, sawing at a strong but medium sized tree. "If you could hold it so it doesn't fall on me when I'm done... that would be the most help you could give me."

"Right", said Solid Snake. He held onto the tree as the man continued sawing it. After a little while, he could feel that the tree had been completely cut. The man stood up, wiping the little sweat that had accumulated on his forehead.

"Yare yare daze", the man said under his breath as he put his black hat back on.

"You must be Jotaro Kujo", said Solid Snake.

"Yes yes yes", said Jotaro. "Who might you be?"

"I'm... a friend of Meryl's", said Snake. He extended his hand. "Solid Snake."

Jotaro Kujo said nothing; he just made eye contact with Snake and shook his hand. "She's talked about you", he said.

"And I'm sure she had plenty of bad things to say", said Solid Snake. "But I'm different now. I've changed."

Jotaro nodded. "I see. The one thing I'm not sure about is why she's currently hiding behind a tree."

Meryl stepped out from behind her tree. "Hey, JoJo!"

"Meryl. What's up?"

"You were taking a long time", said Meryl. "I was getting worried."

"Finding the perfect tree was hard", said Jotaro. "I wanted to get one just like you; both beautiful and strong. So many of the trees out here were either one or the other, not right at all. But I was determined to find one just right for you, and so I took the time to find it. Here it is."

"It's perfect", said Meryl.

Jotaro nodded. "Would you like to help me carry it home?"

"Sure", said Meryl. And so she took the front end of the tree while Jotaro took the back. They started heading back to the cabin. Baron Zeppeli tapped Solid Snake's arm as he passed.

"We're heading back now", said Solid Snake.

Baron Zeppeli nodded. "She seems to be doing well."

"Yeah", said Solid Snake, watching as Meryl and Jotaro carried the tree. "She sure does." He thought for a moment. "You know, it's weird. Usually by now we would have stumbled upon something weird and found ourselves in life threatening danger."

Baron Zeppeli shrugged. "Maybe, sometimes, things are just okay."

"Maybe you're right", said Solid Snake. He smirked. "It is a nice change of pace, isn't it."

"And it is Christmas!" added Baron Zeppeli.

"It is Christmas", said Solid Snake. He started following the tree's walkers.

* * *

"Perfect", Meryl said once the tree was completely decorated. Jotaro just stood and smiled, then took Meryl's hand.

"Look up", said Jotaro. Meryl did.

"Mistletoe", Meryl said. Jotaro nodded, then they leaned in and kissed. Solid Snake tossed back a shot of whiskey and poured another; when he had asked Meryl for some whiskey she just gave him the entire bottle.

"She knows me well", Snake had thought.

"Mind sharing some?" Baron Zeppeli asked. Snake hesitated a moment, then poured him a shot.

"It is Christmas", Solid Snake said. He shivered as he thought of Gregory Stapleton saying those same words on that fateful Christmas night. He drank the shot.

"We have a guest bedroom if you would like to stay the night", said Meryl.

"I appreciate the offer", said Solid Snake, "But we should really get going."

It was at that moment that there was the sound of something landing on the roof.

"Na ni?" said Jotaro.

"No", said Snake. "There's no way." The sound of footsteps moving across the roof, towards the chimney.

"There aren't any children here", said Meryl.

The sound stopped at the chimney, then a figure emerged from the fireplace.

"Jesus Christ!" said Solid Snake.

"That's me, bro!" said Jesus Christ.

"What are you doing here?" asked Baron Zeppeli.

"Well, I was out delivering presents, and when I passed by here I sensed that there were some old friends, so I decided to drop by!"

"You deliver presents now?" Meryl asked.

"Well, someone has to since St. Nick shuffled off this mortal coil", said Jesus.

"Fair enough", Meryl said.

"Anyways, it was nice seeing y'all, but I'd best get going", said Jesus. "These presents aren't gonna deliver themselves."

"Bye Jesus", everyone said.

"Peace out, and have a Merry Christmas!" Jesus responded as he went back up the chimney. Solid Snake received a call on his Codec.

"This is Snake", said Solid Snake.

"This is also Snake", said the voice on the other end.

"Solidus?"

"You bet", said Solidus. "Just calling in on my little bro to wish him a Merry Christmas!"

"Well, a Merry Christmas to you as well", said Solid Snake.

"See you around soon?" asked Solidus.

"You bet", said Solid. "Right as soon as I find Gregory Stapleton."

"Alright", said Solidus. "Until then." And the call ended. Snake nodded to Baron Zeppeli, and they both struggled to stand up. The alcohol was starting to take it's course.

"We're... we're off", said Baron Zeppeli. They started heading for the door.

"Hey, whoa!" said Meryl, holding onto both of them. "How much have you guys had to drink?"

"A little", said Solid Snake. Baron Zeppeli just belched.

"Yeah, you're not going anywhere", said Meryl.

"B-But... Gregory... Steeplethorn", said Solid Snake.

"You're not going to find him in a ditch on the side of the road", said Meryl.

"Has a point", said Baron Zeppeli.

"Alright", Solid Snake grunted. "Maybe... we'll stick around for the night." And so they stuck around for the night.

* * *

THE NEXT MORNING

Solid Snake was by the door, putting on his boots and getting ready to go. Baron Zeppeli was already getting the car warmed up. Meryl came up to Snake.

"It was nice seeing you again", Meryl said.

"You too", said Snake.

"This is silly", said Meryl, "But you're not... you know..."

"I was never right for you, Meryl", said Snake. "I'm just not the sort of person that can love regularly. I'm not like you. And every night that would terrify me, until I eventually lost control, and after that, from time to time, I would worry about what became of you. But you're happy now. You're with someone who cares, and I can rest easy."

Meryl nodded. "What's next for you?"

"I'm going to find our son, of course", said Solid Snake. "And then we'll all have a big family reunion, and Gregory will be able to meet his new stepdad."

"I look forward to it", said Meryl. "Merry Christmas."

"I think you mean 'Meryl Christmas'", Solid Snake smirked. They laughed. "Merry Christmas. See you then." He stepped outside and made for the car. Both Meryl and Jotaro had stepped outside, and they waved to them as they drove away.

THE END

* * *

Liquid Snake (Eli) was absolutely dumbfounded. He just sat on his chair in his dimension, silent, jaw dropped. He picked up his his jaw, then gave an unsure smile.

"Um, wow. That was... actually just straight up a wholesome holiday special. I'm sorry about that; usually something crazy happens and I get to see my brother suffer. Wow... okay. Maybe... could the Godchris be going through some positive character development up there? (A beat) No, no, he can't be. And if he is, that just means I'll just have to fuck with him harder, ha ha! Well, anyways, thanks for tuning in, and I'll see you again if that son of the Godchris ever decides to bring his pussy-ass here and face me (see "Spring Flowers Blossom like the Crimson Tears of my Heart"). Until then, I'm Eli, and this has been Four Goodness' Snakes. A Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!" (AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)


End file.
